Once upon a time…
(I have a daughter who loves for everyone to make up stories, and they have to start with “once upon a time”.)
I was in the midst of a huge project. Like bigger than anything I had ever experienced or put together before. I was completely in charge of all the details and making it happen. I knew it was going to be hard but I had NO clue as to what it would actually require and the toll it would take on me physically and mentally. For those of you moms out there who went to college at the same time you were having babies, you may be able to relate. One of the hardest times of my life was when I was a student at UC Davis. I had to go full time to keep my financial aid and to make matters more challenging, my husband and I decided to have our 2nd child in the midst of my last two years. Well, really we were realizing that the gap was growing between our first son and the potential for the next- so we decided that if I got pregnant in the right time, we could have our 2nd baby during my summer break. Sounded like a swell plan until I started dealing with the 1st trimester weariness, with a toddler running around, during finals week!!!!!!
And THAT’S what I will equate the project to that I mentioned above. This project took months of planning and preparation and the last two weeks of it were more stressful than being pregnant, with a toddler, during finals week…get the picture? Ha!
So back to the story:
I was up late each night and up early each morning (even sometimes as early or late as 2am) working and I was clouded by the fear that it would end in utter failure. I had no idea what it was going to look like and have struggled with the fear of the unknown for most of my life- every time I went to a new school, new college, marriage, first baby… That’s what I mean by the fear of the unknown- not knowing what to expect.
So I cant really describe exactly what I did or why it was so stressful, but please understand I am not just exaggerating. And…in the midst of all the stress I deep down was feeling traumatized by it. I kept thinking thoughts like, “I’m going to have to do this again someday…”
“I can’t EVER let this happen to me again!!”
“This could destroy me…”
And as the days went on, the thoughts began to change to… “No one understands how hard this is.”
“Or…maybe they do know…how could they not warn me?…how could the people that I work with or the people who have done similar things not have warned me of how hard this was going to be?” “Maybe they just don’t care, they don’t care that this could destroy me…they just don’t want to help me.”
And all the while this abandonment and distrust began to settle in my heart, fueled by the fight or flight mode I was locked in to.
It’s strange how offense makes its judgments against people and points its finger. I felt so justified in my feelings and thus could not see things any other way… And when I noticed that I had lost 5 pounds, had gained extra forehead wrinkles, a twitch in my eye, and was unable to sleep for a week- my beliefs were confirmed and solidified. My heart ached, building up stronger walls and plans of how to stay protected from situations and people who would ever try to hurt me in the future.
Phew, intense right?!
Well the final project came to an end and… it was amazing!
What?! After all that!!!
YES--I got incredible feedback and it was a total success- beyond what I ever would have thought. I felt so proud of what was accomplished and the lives that it had touched… But my heart still hurt, it still remembered… And so I tried to ignore it for a week until, finally I decided to take a look…and not just introspective, meditating on all that had taken place…but to look with the Holy Spirit at what was going on in my heart. The Holy Spirit who lives inside of me and who sees all things and knows every detail of my heart…
So one night, a week later, I was lying in bed and I asked, “Holy Spirit, what was going on in my heart when [all of the above] took place?”
And instantly I saw a picture of a little house on some farmland and a HUGE tornado came (think Wizard of Oz) and completely devastated this house and the surrounding farmland.
‘Yes! That’s exactly how I felt- I felt like I was crushed by an enormous tornado!’ My heart and feelings felt completely validated by the picture- and God does that every time…He cares about my feelings, He cares when I get hurt…He doesn’t quote scripture at me and tell me to pretend like the destruction never happened. He wants to look at it with me!
Almost as soon as I saw the tornado and its destructive power, I saw Jesus- but a huge Jesus towering just as tall as the tornado. My heart was filled with hope…hope with the reminder that this problem was not the biggest thing…that Jesus is even bigger then anything I could ever face, no matter how devastating it is to me. And in the next moment the picture changed and Jesus had the tornado between his two hands….He was so much bigger that it FIT BETWEEN HIS HANDS! AND He smashed it and it was gone! He took it away. He was so much more powerful, and so much bigger than this thing that was once so big and so scary. My perspective of it completely changed! And then Jesus put His hand on my heart and when He moved His hand, I saw a huge house. It was so much bigger and more beautiful and sturdy than the one the tornado had wiped out. I was amazed! With one touch from Jesus- my heart was healed from this trauma. I wasn’t afraid of it happening again, I wasn’t mad at anyone; I had no issues of trust. I was strong, I was powerful, I had created something beautiful and got to really look at it and enjoy it from a clear and free place. It was absolutely liberating!
I witnessed a miracle…maybe not one that any one else will ever see… but one that saved my heart from perpetually getting hurt, from bitterness, resentment, from believing that people can’t be trusted. I believe allowing the Holy Spirit to show me that picture and fully embracing what He was doing, saved me and I will never forget it. I will forever be thankful for the miracles that have taken place in my heart. I will continue to remember that my Creator cares deeply about my heart and so I will care about it also.