After the end and silence of a busy few days, Tristan was hit with the memory of his lizard that died last week. He communicates so clearly it amazes me, verbalizing his sadness better than most adults could. He expressed that he was so sad about Rex dying and that these feelings made him not want to do anything anymore; that all desire and motivation was gone and he wanted to feel the sadness and stay there. He wanted to ease the pain by digging up his lizard so that he could look at him again…
So many times we do this--we turn to our past and to what we know how to do to ease the pain. Instead of digging up the lizard (YUCK!) I validated the pain-
"this really is so sad and painful.”
“It's good to close your eyes and remember happy times with Rex." We took some time recalling happy memories of our brief time with the baby lizard.
"We mourn the sad times but we don't want the pain of how we are feeling to control us. This will lead to deep sadness (depression) and we will stay stuck there. Rex wouldn't want that for you, I don't want that for you, but even more God does not want that for you.”
“So I want you to feel all that sadness happening in your heart right now and when you are ready, I want you to let Jesus carry it for you. He really loves you and wants your heart to be free to laugh and have fun and do things.”
We were able to walk through the pain and be comforted by Jesus in the midst of it.
Pay attention to extreme reactions that do not match the event that triggered them. I know a certain level of sadness would come over the death of a lizard, but the type of sorrow that keeps you in bed, unmotivated to do anything is a different story…
I knew something deeper was going on so I began to partner with the Holy Spirit and ask questions.
“Is there more things you are carrying that loosing Rex is reminding you of?”
We discovered that the loss of Rex was uncovering the pain of ever family member and friend that we no longer see and every animal that is gone or has died. Holy Spirit was revealing to both of us that Tristan was holding on to a lot of pain when it came to this type of loss. He had a belief system wrapped up in the sadness and depression that felt out of his control. That what he loved would be taken away…
The events that our children experience and their reaction to these events are the beginning foundation of how they will perceive their worlds. They then live, expect, and react to everything that happens through their lens of their belief systems. Fantasy is so real for them so even the craziest of briefs and lies becomes their reality.
“I don't belong, I'm not loved, I'll be forgotten, I'm alone.”
Self-fulfilling prophesy is when my beliefs create my reality. If I believe that the world is not a safe place- this is what I will see. If I believe people are fake and not genuine, this is what I will see in those around me and the type of people and things that will be drawn to me.
So pay attention! Pay attention to patterns, repeated phrases, extreme reactions. Seek to understand your children and partner with the Holy Spirit for their healing and wholeness.