I’ve always tended to swing to the more emotional/ dramatic side of my feelings. When I was younger I would instantly cry when I was scared, embarrassed, sad, mad, in trouble…the list goes on…
I couldn’t watch the news without feeling super down and helpless of what to do about the world. When they came out in theaters, I watched Slum Dog Millionaire and Taken in the same week AND I was a WRECK!!!! I felt so overwhelmed and grieved by the poverty and the child abuse AND YES Liam Neeson saved his daughter from sex trafficking BUT what about all the other daughters???
I learned early on to be good at avoiding. Not joining the debates or staying current on hot topics. Honestly, not because I don’t care BUT because I don’t know what the heck to do about it…but cry…
Well, when the crap hits the fan in your own backyard with people you love and care about…you just can’t ignore anymore.
You can’t ignore when your friends’ houses are burning down, talk of divorce is shaking marriages of those you love, family members don’t truly know the love of Jesus, and kids are struggling with illness. I would cry out to God for His help for all of these things but was deep down worried that if I asked for too much at once, or prayed about so many different things, maybe each individual prayer wouldn’t be heard…
So, in the midst of the all of the above shaking my world and the worlds of those I love, I broke down. I felt so grieved that I started to come to the conclusion that it would be better to not feel any of it…to just stop caring…
I could see the line so clearly- that line that people cross when they’ve had enough, been too hurt, and close off their hearts in attempt to protect themselves from the pain…
And so when the kids were at school and the baby was napping, I let out a big, fat UGLY cry and screamed out to God:
“I’m so ANGRY! I am so so sad and I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to feel any of this!”
I reminded God of every single person that I was hurting for…
And instead of running from the pain or pushing it away, I FELT IT and I cried. In facing the pain I became aware of all the places I was storing it in my body. I could feel that I was carrying all of this strongly in my mind- like a pressure in the front of my head- and I felt it in my chest. I pictured gathering all of these things out of my head and chest and held it in my hands before Jesus.
It was strange because in my hands it looked like a bunch of soaking wet towels. (?)
“Jesus, I give this ALL to you. Forgive me for holding on to it so tightly and carrying it on my own.”
I handed the wet towels to Jesus and He took them. I saw Him wringing them out and collecting every single drop into jars. And I just knew deep within that He had heard every single cry and collected every single tear. They had not gone unnoticed and would not be forgotten.
And the burden was gone. Not the carrying or the love I felt for my friends and family, but the pain and pressure to fix it.
God does such a better job at holding our pain, circumstances, and burdens. And when we hand them over to the ultimate healer and problem solver, we are able to see clearer and step out in the direction He leads OR pray His heart over the situation.
I have been able to pray from a place of hope and whenever a person or situation comes to my mind, I give it to Jesus and pray. I 100% believe that He puts friends, family members, and even random acquaintances on my mind for me to pray for in the exact moment that they need it.
God is so good and does such an amazing job at holding my whole world in His hands.
A few Resources if you need more information about hearing God’s voice, inner healing, and grief:
Lisa Max Ministries: https://www.facebook.com/groups/Letthechildrenfly/search/?query=hearing%20God's%20voice
Christablack.com